Winter Season 2008

BF00 wins prestigious internet award

Tributes are flowing in for Black Fish correspondent, BF00, following news that he has been awarded the coveted honour of "Web's Laziest Blogger". BF00 is said to have been surprised by the accolade, having expected to be nominated in the less prestigious "Web's Most Erratic Blogger" category.

A modest BF00 sought to pay tribute to his team-mates, whose contributions to match reports inspired him "to strive for hitherto unreachable strata of laziness".

BF00 was asked to write an account of the awards ceremony but said he "would do it later".

D Grade Fixtures Summer 2007/8

Round 11 (29/11/07) BF v Deja Vu 9:00pm
Round 12 (6/12/07) BF v Metal Slug 9:45pm
Round 13 (13/12/07) BYE
Round 14 (3/1/08) BF v Eds Mavs Blue 6:45pm
Round 15 (10/1/08) BF v Muppets 10:30pm
Round 16 (17/1/08) BF v Old Reds 7:30pm
Round 17 (24/1/08) BF v All Stars 8:15pm
Round 18 (31/1/08) BF v Argy Bargy 7:30pm
Round 19 (7/2/08) BF v King George Whiting 9:00pm
Round 20 (14/2/08) BF v Deja Vu 7:30pm
Round 21 (21/2/08) BF v Metal Slug 7:30pm
Round 22 (28/2/08) BYE
Round 23 (6/3/08) BF v Eds Mavs Blue 10:30pm
Round 24 (13/3/08) BF v Muppets 6:00pm
Round 25 (20/3/08) BF v Old Reds 8:15pm
Semi Finals 27/3/08
Grand Final 3/4/08

P.S. If you're looking for a new roller-door for your garage, you must avoid "Doors N More", who are a bunch of clowns.

Round 10: BF v King George Whiting ("Next stop, C Grade")

The mighty Black Fish faced a stern test in their first match in D grade, taking on ladder leaders and former traditional rivals, King George Whiting, in a blockbuster on Court 3.

As always, when challenged, the Fish rose magnificently. All 6 available Fish played exceptional basketball in one of the most skilful, gutsy, controlled and finely-judged matches ever seen at this fine club.

The Black Fish were in command early before sliding to a perilous deficit late in the first half. But then, led by an MVP performance by Whittle (N), the Fish inexorably reeled in and overhauled their more fancied opposition. The second half was an exercise in tempo and control as the Black Fish squeezed the life out of the White Fish.

In the end, a magnificent 41-33 victory sees the Black Fish dominate D grade.

Always bet on Black.

Promotion!

For those who have watched the Black Fish at work on a Thursday night it would be hard to believe that there is any higher league than Marden Thursday Men's E Grade, but apparently there is (no, not the NBA).

As a result of their irresistible performances and string of stunning victories, the Fish have been promoted to D Grade, effective immediately. The Fish will bring their existing premiership points with them and are thus expected to shoot straight to the top of the D Grade ladder.

The inexorable march to world domination continues....

Round 9: BF v Homebrand

In a very strange game, a full-strength Black Fish side took on ancient foes Homebrand on Court 3. The game was characterised by a number of unusual occurrences many of which took place at the scorers' bench.

To summarise:

1. Black Fish play inexplicably poor basketball.
2. Referee (pictured below with hand raised) even less explicably ejects Homebrand player from the stadium for having the temerity to possess a normal body habitus.
3. Black Fish mount rousing late recovery but narrowly fail to overhaul the opposition.
4. Scoring 'error' leads to famous BF victory, 40-39.


Strange game. Nice result.

Round 8: BF v The Disgraced

BF defeated The Disgraced 41-28

Boston Celtics v Denver Nuggets

In accordance with the long-standing exchange programme between the Black Fish and the Boston Celtics, 2006 BF Player of the Year Whittle (S) was invited to attend the highly-anticipated clash between the new-look Celtics and the Allen Iverson-led Denver Nuggets at Boston Garden on November 7.

BF00 at the Celtics bench

The Celtics, clearly inspired by the presence of BF00, jumped out to an early lead and never looked back. Captain Paul Pierce dominated the first half but it was the sheer class of Kevin Garnett and the hustle of cult-hero Brian Scalabrine that resulted in a thumping 119-93 victory to the Celtics.

The Celtics, who now lead the Eastern Conference with a 5-0 record, attribute their stunning rise from bottom of the Atlantic conference last season to the inspirational form of the Black Fish, who also sit atop the league with a 6-1 record.

Negotiations are now in place to recruit some of the Celtics Cheerleaders to bolster the support at Marden Garden.

Round 7: BF v CJs

A magnificent Black Fish side put together one of their finest all-round performances in destroying traditional rivals CJs 42-21.

The Black Fish now reign supreme atop the premiership ladder.

A full match report will follow when your correspondent returns from his guest appearance with the Boston Celtics.

Round 6: BF v Not Quite Allstars

Many Black Fish fans were curious, and a little anxious, ahead of this week's key clash with traditional rivals Not Quite Allstars, as the league newcomers entered Round 6 atop the E-grade ladder.

It appears, however, that their team name was excessively flattering. A more accurate moniker may have been 'Very Fucking Far From Allstars'.

Future BF000, Maxwell L "The Delivery" Van Whittle made his first appearance courtside to watch an almost full-strength Black Fish side (missing only Winter 2007 'matchwinner' Downing) completely take apart the Allstars.

In a complete performance, Rodgers (N), Whittle (N), and Noutz (C) provided an impenetrable wall down low, Edwards (S), Foreman (D) and Whittle (S) operated perfectly in their swing roles and Weeks (R) dominated at the point. A complete team performance that resulted in an impressive 46-23 victory, and added further momentum to the Black Fish premiership juggernaut.

Round 5: BF v Spectrum

It would not be inaccurate to state that even iodine-deficient Bhutanese children are aware that the sad old jokes from Spectrum are amongst the lowest-quality men on Earth. It's not about their heads (horrid though they are), or their well-documented struggle against the modern scourge of morbid obesity, or their curious penchant for poorly-executed look-away passes, or their creaky lower-limb articulations, or even their choice in facial hair.

It's simply that they are small men. And, as if to demonstrate an inverse correlation between manliness and chromosome count, it is the slightly-inaccurately numbered 42 who is the smallest of them all.

It would be excessively wearisome to recount all of his behaviours (his humorous description of BF07 as a beyatch notwithstanding). One might simply remind him of Jebediah Springfield's immortal aphorism "A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man".

In any event, a dominant Black Fish side utterly dominated the contest, eventually winning 55-31 despite a cowardly 10-point scorer penalty. Surely it was a sad late-night ride home in the Minda bus.

Round 4: Bye

No children were born during this week's bye.

Round 3: BF v Metal Slug

Immediately following this game Metal Slug was promoted to D grade.

Strange, then, that the Black Fish effortlessly flogged them 46-37.

Round 2: BF v Homebrand

Some observers believe that Homebrand aren't a bad bunch of blokes; their behaviour in Round 2 sadly proves the opposite. In an act that proves what small men they really are, the Homobrands chose to take the cowardly path of exacting a 10-point scorer penalty from a depleted Fish outfit.

And so it was that a hard-fought victory for the Fish was translated to a disappointing 41-44 loss in the official records.

Round 1: BF v The Disgraced

There is no more satisfying way to kick off the season than with a victory over Carrot and his mob of angry young men.

And so it came to pass. A magnificent victory to the Black Fish 31-29. The perfect start to the 2007/8 Summer season.

Fixtures Summer 2007/8

Round 1 (20/9/07) BF v The Disgraced
Round 2 (27/9/07) BF v Homebrand
Round 3 (4/10/07) BF v Metal Slug
Round 4 (11/10/07) BYE
Round 5 (18/10/07) BF v Spectrum
Round 6 (25/10/07) BF v Not Quite Allstars
Round 7 (1/11/07) BF v CJs 6:45pm
Round 8 (8/11/07) BF v The Disgraced 7:30pm
Round 9 (15/11/07) BF v Homebrand 9:45pm
Round 10 (22/11/07) BF v Air Supreme 9:00pm
Round 11 (29/11/07) BYE
Round 12 (6/12/07) BF v Spectrum 10:30pm
Round 13 (13/12/07) BF v Not Quite Allstars 6:00pm
Round 14 (3/1/08) BF v CJs 9:45pm
Round 15 (10/1/08) BF v The Disgraced 6:45pm
Round 16 (17/1/08) BF v Homebrand 6:00pm
Round 17 (24/1/08) BF v Air Supreme 9:00pm
Round 18 (31/1/08) BYE
Round 19 (7/2/08) BF v Spectrum 10:30pm
Round 20 (14/2/08) BF v Not Quite Allstars 8:15pm
Semi Finals 21/2/08
Grand Final 28/2/08

Semi Final: BF v Deja Vu

It had been a long time between finals for the countless die-hard Black Fish fans and expectations ran high.

Let the record state that the boys played their hearts out, but, despite a stirring second-half comeback, sadly fell just short of a magnificent upset victory, eventually succumbing by the narrow margin of 50-54 to eventual premiers Deja Vu.

Despite the heartbreak of the loss, most pundits would agree that winter season 2007 was a success for this mighty club, and will serve as a sound platform for a future tilt at premiership glory.

Finals

The Black Fish will meet Deja Vu in a massive semi-final at 9:00pm on Thursday 6th September on court three.

Minor Round Statistics

As the Fish prepare for some September action, it is an opportune time to look at some of the stats that have emerged from Winter Season 2007:

Win:loss - 10-7-1

Average winning margin (95% CI) - 6.89 points (1.4, 12.4)

Average losing margin - 9.13 points (4.7, 13.6)

Highest winning margin - 21 points (Round 21 - Spectrum)

Highest losing margin - 17 points (Round 16 - Red Dwarfs)

A logistic regression analysis was performed to examine factors predictive of a Black Fish victory. All 17 games in which a win or loss was recorded were included in the analysis. Following univariate analysis, a multivariate model was constructed using backwards elimination. Some interesting results were obtained:

1. Despite the Fish winning 5 of their 6 games played on court 2, there was no statistical relationship between the court and the odds of winning (p=0.248, Fisher's exact).

2. The Fish played 10 matches without a player on the bench, winning only 4 of these games. In contrast, they won 6 of the 7 games in which more than 5 players were available. Therefore, the odds of a victory were 9 times higher when an interchange player was available. This relationship was not statistically significant, however (p=0.082, Fisher's exact).

3. The presence of powerhouse forward Rodgers (N) increased the odds of victory by 33%, however this also failed to reach statistical significance (p=0.581, Fisher's exact).

4. The multivariate model revealed only one statistically significant predictive factor, after accounting for all other predictor variables. And the result may come as a surprise to some (but perhaps not to all). The presence of utility Downing (K), significantly increased the odds of a Black Fish victory when all other predictors were taken into account. KD increased the odds of victory tenfold (!), 95% CI (1.05, 95.5), p=0.045.

Make of that what you will.

Round 21: BF v Spectrum ("Dunk Night")

A makeshift Black Fish side strode onto court 1 for the final minor round game with a place in the finals all but assured. Complacency, however, was far from their collective consciousness, thanks to their inherent Black Fish pride, their disdain for their gnomesque opponents, and their desire to run into the finals on a three-match winning streak.

While the game was far from a spectacle, and the result was beyond doubt early in the first half, there were several notable aspects to the match:

1. The impressive debut by little-known journeyman Baum (D).

2. The absence of Spectrum's pathetic, bitch-kicking, patch-wearing trisomy chimera (omitted due to a courage deficiency).

3. A scoring spree by Downing (K) [2 points].

4. The sublime mid-range shooting of Weeks (R).

5. The Fish's greatest winning margin of the season.

6. And most notably, the total dominance of the game by spectacular new recruit Whittle (N), who helped himself to a commanding 23 points before sealing the deal in spectacular style with a first in 14 years of Black Fish history - a stunning end-to-end run on the fast break culminating in a massive slam dunk. An act that spoke clearly in a language all its own: 'take that, you fat bunch of cripples'. Special stuff, that.

And so, with a comfortable 47-26 win under their belts, the Fish prepare to enter their first ever finals campaign at MARS. Having beaten every other team in the top four at least once this season the Fish enter the finals with a great deal of confidence. Stay tuned early next week for the announcement of the game time and the Fish's semi-final opponent.

Go you mighty Black Fish!

Round 20: Bye

The entire Black Fish squad spent the week not writing a match report.

Round 19: BF v Deja Vu

Some teams one simply dislikes (see The Disgraced). And other teams are such a deplorable melange of Monchhichi outcasts that one can barely muster the psychic energy to register an emotion other than the vaguely disinterested, lip-curling kind of subconscious revulsion that wells up upon stepping in a fetid pile of dog excrement.

Or so it is for me anyway.

And with this thought fresh in their minds, the mighty Black Fish took to court three for the pivotal encounter with the little chimps. A fine Fish unit it was too, bolstered by the timely return of Weeks (R) and Foreman (D), the eagerly-anticipated re-warming of the scorer's chair by the slender buttocks of Rajapaksa (S), the incomparable courtside stylings of Foreman (L) and Rodgers (S) - who, it must be added, is putting in a strong effort for Supporter-of-the-Year honours in 2007 - and the spectacular Black Fish debut of promising rookie Whittle (N).

Few would argue that this represented one of the most highly-skilled, and undoubtedly the tallest, Black Fish teams ever to take to the pine, and hopes were high for a favourable outcome in this pivotal clash with the second-ranked team.

Unfortunately for the Fish, 'the Vu' decided to institute a game plan of annoying zippy mosquito-like mincy-hand-slappy interception basketball, interspersed with a three-point shooting accuracy in excess of 80 percent. And for the SuperFish, this game plan was basketballing kryptonite.

By half time, the Fish were in trouble, the referees were angry, Noutz (C) had committed his inaugural unsportsmanlike foul (unwarranted), and the Vu were apparently breeding asexually like mogwai in a swimming pool. They were simply everywhere. It was creepy.

By the middle of the second half, the Fish were in deep trouble. Trailing by as much as 15 points, things looked grim for the crowd favourites. As expected, it was at this point that the Black Fish spirit prevailed and an inspirational fightback began. Whittle (N), who had begun to make telling inroads on the boards, suddenly lit up with some classy inside manoevres and a glorious long bomb. Meanwhile, Rodgers (N), Foreman (D), and Weeks (R) were beginning to exert their dominance, Noutz (C) launched a campaign of terror, and Edwards (S) and Whittle (S) provided metronomic end-to-end consistency.

With only minutes remaining, an unlikely victory suddenly looked possible. But alas, making up the last few points was proving a sisyphean task for the Fish. At which point God himself again proved which Marden Thursday night E-grade basketball team he supports - with the Black Fish down 56-59 and only a handful of seconds left on the clock a minor melee erupted courtesy of one of the countless little pricks that constitute the Deja Vu "mens'" team. A mostly disconsolate and disinterested Black Fish side was then surprised to see the little guys clear their bench of a host of diminutive, unusual-looking, ridiculous-puffy-jacket-wearing aspiring international reptile-smugglers. And that, dear reader, is a contravention of the rules. Enter the big, angry, antalgic-gaited MARS boss, who promptly, and correctly, disqualified the little macaques and awarded a deserving victory to the mighty mighty Black Fish.

What a night.

Next week is a bye and will see the Fish hit the gym for a week of intensive training in preparation for the final game of the minor round. Should the Fish win their final game they will be assured of a place in the finals series. Don't miss it.

Round 18: BF v Homebrand

Dedicated Black Fish fans have come to expect the very highest level of excitement from every BF v Homebrand encounter. Already this season the mighty Fish have recorded a one-point victory and a buzzer-beating 2-point victory against the likely minor premiers. And this match was no different.

Five Black Fish stalwarts, Noutz (C), Rodgers (N), Edwards (S), Whittle (S), and, fresh from his European 'training', 'Lucky Charm' Downing (K), took on a full-strength Homebrand side in a clash that kept the crowd in a perpetual state of excitement (nb: for 'crowd', read: 'Sam Rodgers' and for 'perpetual state of excitement', read: 'intermittent state of non-boredom').

After giving away an early lead, the Fish characteristically clawed their way back into the contest late in the first half, thanks mainly to the inside potency of Rodgers (N) and the flawless five-man 'Black Wall o' Death' defensive zone. Typically, the opposition displayed ironic gutlessness in exacting a 10-point penalty for an unfortunate case of 'recurrent hypolankanscoreria', but equally typically the Fish rose to the challenge. In a magnificently tenacious display from all five Black Fish, the boys seized a slender lead and were able to protect it in a frenetic final few seconds, thus recording a breathtaking 34-33 victory.

And so the dwindling stocks of active Fish keep their finals dreams alive, but will need to draw on all their reserves of skill, guts, turning-upness and courtside rajapaksiness in the final 2 matches of the minor round in order to ensure some September action.

Round 17: BF v The Disgraced

The mighty Black Fish were tragically defeated 30-36.

The details of the match may have to be left to your imagination....

Round 16: BF v Red Dwarfs ('Disaster Strikes')

A match that had shaped up as an exciting Court 1 shoot-out with the little red pricks turned into a nightmare for the entire Black Fish extended family.

After an otherwise innocuous first half, the highly-competitive Fish entered the second half with a reminder of their opponents' lack of nomimal irony fresh in their minds, the Red Nubbins having exacted a 10-point penalty for a rare BF scorer deficiency. Spurred on by this sad and pathetic behaviour, the Fish tried valiantly to eke out an unlikely victory.

But then disaster struck.

Without warning, the anterior cruciate ligament of Rodgers (A), its few remaining collagen fibres clinging on for dear life, finally rendered its impersonation of a Minneapolis bridge. This was one of the saddest chapters in Black Fish history, Rodgers limping to the bench with what appears to be a career-ending injury. No doubt tributes will flow in from members of the BF family all around the world as we all attempt to deal with the possibility of a foundation member of the club, and former premiership hero, finally joining the Black Fish immortals in retirement (actually, he will be our first retirement, so I suppose he is the inaugural immortal).

Anyway, a terrible tragedy.

As for the small red men? Well, they sportingly used the injury to enforce a full-court press on the remaining four Fish, thus streaking away with a shallow victory. All class.

And as for the Black Fish? Despite the 37-54 defeat, and the loss of one of their greats, they will push on towards finals glory.

Round 15: BF v Metal Slug

Your correspondent apologises for the long delay between match reports. But sans sincerity.

A grand total of four Fish managed to haul their sorry arses out onto court for the big match against the Slug, intent on extending their record-breaking winning streak. Unfortunately for the Black Fish, the Slug were equally intent on interrupting said streak, and managed to bring a full complement of players with them to boot.

Against all odds, the Fish competed magnificently, but could not prevent a streak-ending 28-34 defeat. But fear not, gentle fan, for the Black Fish finals juggernaut rolls on....

Round 14: BF v Spectrum

It would not be inaccurate to state that the mighty Black Fish harbour many a nemesis in MARSland; and time and again the fat clowns from Spectrum stake their claim as first amongst equals. The fact that the Fish have so shameless a record against these jokes weighs heavily on the minds of the great men who wear the Black with such pride.

And so it was that a nearly full-strength Fish team took to Court 2 with steely resolve, despite trailing Spectrum 230-231 in the chromosome count before the first jump. Unfortunately, steely resolve was insufficient to prevent the Spectrums from using their peculiar netball skills to leap out to a 9-zip lead.

It was at this point that the match-breaker, Foreman (D), entered the fray and blew the match apart, (literally) like a bowling ball through an array of garden-gnomes. Foreman's dominance, supported by an impressive cameo from Weeks (R), solid performances from the Rodgers boys, and a signature BF impregnable zone defence allowed the Fish to enter the second half in a strong position.

Many of the Spectra, despite advanced age, unfulfilled dreams, physical decrepitude, ill-advised facial hair, worrisome visceral adiposity and a variety of other undesirable characteristics, actually carry themselves with a certain wry humour and inexplicable good grace. But not all of them. It is perhaps of secondary importance whether tools are born or created; it is enough that they merely exist. And within Spectrum, exist they do.

One in particular, who shall go un-named (but who is pictured below, shortly before the match), distinguished himself above all others. A touch of on-court niggling - perhaps the very raison d'etre of men's E-grade basketball competitions - was enough to provoke one of the worst examples of nancy-arsed bitch-kicking ever visited upon an innocent opponent in the history of this fine competition. His actions, while fundamentally risible, would have been ACL-endangering had there been anything other than a rudimentary connection between his cerebral 'cortex' and his stubby excuse for a leg, and thus were rightly condemned by all present, including the massive BF support crew of Foreman (L), Edwards (K) and Rajapaksa (S). Content with his fine display of masculinity, "Sally" Spectrum eased his peculiar nicotine-patched rotund frame to the bench, never to return to the fray.


Your correspondent apologises for the self-indulgent rant that has displaced this week's match report, but has thoroughly enjoyed it.

Oh, and as for the remainder of the game?

The Black Fish dominated, of course. A magnificent 37-23 victory the reward for their travails, continuing an unbeaten run that dates back to the nail-biting tie with Metal Slug in Round 8. Next week's return clash with the slug promises to be one of the games of the season. Don't miss it.

Round 13: Bye

According to tradition, the more industrious members of the team spent their week off creating new Black Fish (or cheerleaders).

(and we learned the real reason for BF23's chronic back pain).

Round 12: BF v Deja Vu

Another spectacular game may be summarised thus:

1. Deja Vu by any other name would still be a cob of munts (to coin an awkward spoonerism)

2. Gutless opposition take advantage of inexplicable courtside Rajapaksapenia and enforce 10-point penalty.

3. Fired-up Black Fish dominate second half to record breathtaking 37-36 victory.

4. Rodgers (A) turns in dominant MVP performance.

Round 11: BF v Homebrand

A strong seven-man Fish outfit took to court 2 for the big clash with league heavyweights, Homebrand, with memories of their one-point victory in Round 4 fresh in their minds.

An otherwise unspectacular match may be described as follows:

• Black Fish gain ascendancy through hard work, solid defence and the offensive exploits of Foreman (D).
• Referee with record-breaking diminutive genitalia and large party-pack of Samboys hovering above each acromion sets new MARS precedent for marshmallow-impersonation, actively discriminating against the upstanding citizens in Black, thereby sending the Fish into a technical foul-riddled tailspin late in the game.
• Scores become level with less than 30 seconds on the clock.
• Fish score on the buzzer to record a stirring 29-27 victory.
• Referee can shove above result up his flabby arse.

The Fish have improved their record to 5-4-1 and are looking to establish themselves firmly in the top four, while taking things one week at a time.

Round 10: BF v The Disgraced ("Fight Night")

On October 30, 1974, in the dark pre-dawn mist of Kinshasa, Zaire, an epic fight was staged between the brash young Muhammad Ali and the frightening Heavyweight Champion, George Foreman (later thought to be BF12's biological father). This was sport at its best. It was the 'Rumble in the Jungle'.

Who would have thought that just 11,915 days later, in the late-night chill of MARS stadium, another epic fight would erupt. And that (rather less successfully) it would come to be known as the 'Fracas at MARS'. Or perhaps the 'Melee at Marden'. Or the 'Brawl at the B'ball'. Or something.

In any event, the game began innocuously enough, with the Fish easing outing to a slender lead early before allowing the Disgrace back into the match. Things began to heat up early in the second half as the Fish began to exert more pressure on their pathetic opposition. It was at that point that Carrot's lieutenant-wanker, Fatty, finally caved in to the years of painfully-accurate gibes about his micro-penis, and bitch-slapped heroic BF point-guard Rodgers (A).

Enter Rodgers (N).....

And it was on. The teams decided to get it on, 'cos they don't get along. Several minutes of impressive pushing and shoving by the hard men of the Black Fish later, it was over. And the match was sensationally discontinued by MARS management, the personification of whom had dragged his last remaining molecules of articular cartilage into the fray, only to feel them expire under the weight of his haste (and waist), arriving in molecular purgatory only moments before the majority of his myocardium.

Fittingly, the basketball Gods smiled upon their chosen sons, awarding the game to the scoreboard leaders at the time of the stoush, thereby granting the Fish a mighty victory, 22-17.

The fight itself is difficult to describe, but several eyewitnesses reported it thus:

BF07 - "Super melee that. The details are less important than the lessons learnt :

1) Don't mess with the Rodgers boys
2) "The Disgraced" are not short of a tool. (Fatty = tool of the week; finally displaced Carrot)."

BF06 - "A gutless shirtfronting by one of the many fuckwits from the disgraced Disgraced led to a spirited Black Fish response (and a rather painful jaw,neck and head for me for the weekend) and sealed what would have otherwise been a rather clinical victory."

BF03 - "The Disgraced were angry that day my friends.

Towards the end of a generally unremarkable game which saw the Black Fish leading most of the the way, it happened; out of nowhere BF06 was maliciously "shirt-fronted" by a dirty, dirty player from the aptly-named opposition. Then it was on:

Angry words gave way to pushing, pushing turned into shoving, shoving graduated to wrestling with the occasional punch, then an almost all-in brouhaha ensued.

A tear came to this spectator's eye when big BF17 rushed in to save his little BF06 brother, and with this the melee was generally abandoned.

The game was subsequently cut short, but with the Mighty Black Fish ahead, we took the points victory along with the more important moral victory.

Disgraced indeed."

Undoubtedly a fine effort by the Fish, this may be the turning point that propels them towards finals glory. Watch out next week as they resume hostilities with Homobrand.

Round 9: BF v Red Dwarfs

A steely-faced quintet of Fish arrived on Court 2 for the early match against Red Dwarfs, intent on exacting revenge for the disappointing loss in Round 1. The Fish started uncharacteristically strongly, racing to an early lead before allowing the Dwarfs into the game in the latter part of the first half.

Things looked a little grim at the half, when in strode the surprise impact player in Noutz (C), who launched himself into the game almost immediately with some trademark heavy body work and absolute dominance on the boards at both ends of the court.

And it was upon extracting his first ever charging foul at the midpoint of the half that the game finally turned in the Fish's favour. From there, the starting five of Foreman (D), Edwards (S), Whittle (S), Weeks (R) and Rodgers (A) were able to extend their slender lead with a combination of intelligent play and end-to-end consistency that would have impressed future coach Neil Craig no end.

In the end it was an impressive 38-33 victory for the Fish, who have put their finals aspirations firmly back on track.

The post-match celebrations were muted by the temporary retirement of chief scorer and team stalwart Ly (H); fortunately the tragic season-ending spinal injury to Rajapaksa (S) will allow him to fill the scorer's role for the remainder of Winter season 2007 (wheelchair access permitting). Don't miss this week's big re-match with Carrot and his band of Dickheads.

Updated Fixture List

The remaining matches for season 2007 have been slightly altered due to the timely replacement of the East All-Fags with the strangely familiar Deja Vu. The fixture list has been updated.

Round 8: BF v Metal Slug

The early match on Court 2 saw the mighty Black Fish take on a team with an absurd name and a playing list whose mean Freak Quotient is almost preternaturally high, except in comparison with most other teams in Marden E grade (the Black Fish being the singular exception).

The welcome return of the Rodgers brothers and a stunning all-round display from Edwards (S) saw the Fish leap out to an imposing early lead before the mysterious lock-out of Rodgers (N) for the remainder of the first half allowed the slug to surge forwards to a large half-time lead.

But, as it states in the Bible, cometh the second half, cometh the Black Fish, and cometh they did. Sharp defensive focus from Downing, a dominant performance from Noutz (including an unexpectedly high scoring aggregate) and a workmanlike appearance by Whittle allowed star players Rodgers (N>A) and Edwards (S) to push the Fish towards an unlikely victory.

Sadly, having swept to a tenuous lead with moments remaining, a sloppy effort from an unnamed reigning Player of the Year allowed the Slug's very own "Not Michael" Jordan to squeeze in a solitary free throw, condemning the Fish to a heart-breaking tie 36-36.

The Fish must now dig deep in order to stay in the race for the finals. Surely they can look no further for inspiration than team stalwart and all-time high-scorer Ly (H), who made an impressive return to the court only days after her confinement.

Round 7: BF v Spectrum

There can be no doubt that Spectrum has become a nemesis for our great club. On repeated occasions the Black Fish have failed to take advantage of the fact that the Spectrum 'players' are fat, old, crippled, possibly retarded, and have no talent. Time and again this fine sporting organisation has found new ways to suffer excruciating losses to this pack of old garden gnomes.

And this week was no exception.

The details are simply too painful to record. Despite starting the game with five strapping young men full of vigour and youthful exuberance, the unfortunate Fish completed the match with only three bedraggled (and yet lion-hearted) despondent men, while the seething Noutz and Whittle looked on helplessly, still cursing their inexplicable foul count.

The Black Fish were again the moral victors, but sadly slipped to a heart-breaking defeat, 24-31. Expect them to be up and about for their big round 8 clash with the slug.

Round 6: Bye

The Black Fish took advantage of the opportunity to recover from niggling injuries, although it should be noted that the more industrious members of the team spent their week off making new Black Fish.

Feral Dog

This has little (if any) relevance to the Black Fish, but have you ever seen a dog as feral as this?

Round 5: BF v East All Stars

After a season-long hiatus from their long history of simmering mutual dislike, the mighty Fish this week resumed hostilities with the repugnant East All Stars. A large contingent of fit players allowed the Fish to rest veterans Weeks, R and Rodgers, N in the lead-up to the first bye of the season. Rajapaksa tried to coax his timid ankle ligaments out from under the couch, only to see them scurry back, yelping wildly, at the first sign of daylight. Fear not, faithful fans, for they will return in two short weeks.

In brief, the game was a reprise of most of our other games against this mob: they jumped us early, we struggled with the demands of a full-court mosquito-onslaught, they became shorter, more irritating and more simian as the game progressed, and eventually a stirring, all-guts revival by the glorious Fish, inspired by a resurgent Foreman, was not quite enough to prevent a sad defeat 38-52.

Sadly, the unequalled defensive intensity from Nissen and Noutz, which, while denying the opposition numerous scoring opportunities, and resulting in 5 fouls each, handed precisely zero season-ending injuries to the little chimps. There's always next time, boys.

And so the the Fish head into the bye with their season on the line, but filled with a surfeit of Black Fish spirit.

And finally, we must acknowledge the temporary departure of BF 'Supporter of the Year 2006', and, numerically, the highest scorer in Black Fish history, the incomparable Ly, H, as she takes a hiatus in order to create new (and hopefully more skilful) Black Fish.

Round 4: BF v Homebrand

In a stunning first for the Black Fish, 10 Fish presented for duty in the wee small hours of May 3, 2007, 9 of whom had sufficiently heterosexual ankle ligaments in order to play. BF10 was so keen that he forsook his adopted western European nation and scrambled home in time to hit the pine with his comrades.

A fundamentally unattractive spectacle was rendered memorable by the exceptionally tight finish that saw the mighty Fish romp home by one point, 30-29.

With so many players present to bear witness to the event, it is only fitting that each player present his one-line summary of the game (in numerical order):

BF00 - "I hate doing these fucking match summaries"

BF03 - "A narrow victory, despite modest disorganisation through a superfluity of players, but a victory nonetheless"

BF06 - "We shat on them by one point"

BF07 - "A masterclass of unprecedented interchange rotation and tempo basketball saw the Fish cruise to a 1 point victory over Homebrand, giving their season some much needed momentum."

BF10 - "This week's game saw one of the most remarkable sporting comebacks in basketball history since the LA Lakers win in the 2000 Western Conference finals, with the Black Fish dominating all over the court after initially giving away an 8 point start, they secured a season-defining one-point victory thanks to outstanding contributions from all 9 BF members, leaving the homo-boys gobsmacked"

BF11 -
"Never before has the fish been so black

and

tremble motherfuckers the blackfish are here to play

and

what? i violate your personal space? Well deal with it"

BF12 - "Very pleasing win with valuable contributions from the entire Fish complement"

BF14 - "Sheer weight (of numbers) got us over the line"

BF17 - "The school of fish schooled the homobranders"

BF23 - "Is you a gay??"

2006 Black Fish Annual Dinner

A full report of this magnificent occasion will follow in coming days.....in the meantime, visit the photos page to relive some of the excitement of this glittering nights of nights.

Fixtures Winter 2007

Round 1 (12/4/07) BF v Red Dwarfs
Round 2 (19/4/07) BF v Endo
Round 3 (26/4/07) BF v The Disgraced
Round 4 (3/5/07) BF v Homebrand 10:30pm
Round 5 (10/5/07) BF v East All Stars 9:00pm
Round 6 (17/5/07) BYE
Round 7 (24/5/07) BF v Spectrum 10:30pm
Round 8 (31/5/07) BF v Metal Slug 6:00pm
Round 9 (7/6/07) BF v Red Dwarfs 6:00pm
Round 10 (14/6/07) BF v The Disgraced 9:00pm
Round 11 (21/6/07) BF v Homebrand 9:45pm
Round 12 (28/6/07) BF v Deja Vu 10:30pm
Round 13 (5/7/07) BYE
Round 14 (12/7/07) BF v Spectrum 8:15pm
Round 15 (19/7/07) BF v Metal Slug 9:45pm
Round 16 (26/7/07) BF v Red Dwarfs 9:45pm
Round 17 (2/8/07) BF v The Disgraced 8:15pm
Round 18 (9/8/07) BF v Homebrand 6:00pm
Round 19 (16/8/07) BF v Deja Vu 6:45pm
Round 20 (23/8/07) BYE
Round 21 (30/8/07) BF v Spectrum 8:15pm
Semi-Finals 6/9/07
Grand Final 13/9/07

Winter Season Stats

Follow your favourite player's stats throughout the season on our Stats Page.

Round 3: BF v The Disgraced

The sad demise of the popular Aussie Bruddhas franchise forced an injury-riddled Black Fish side into a last minute finals re-match with traditional rivals and unrelenting wankers, The Disgraced.

Surprisingly, the super-fit man-specimen Carrot was sidelined with an undisclosed injury (heart muscle-related until proven otherwise), leaving a troupe of little Super Mario clones to face the might of five super-fish (00, 03, 06, 11 & 12).

From the first minute of the game, it was all Fish. The D-train sparked things off by niggling the referees and the opposition in a remarkable display of psychological warfare. Rodgers (A), continued his rich vein of form by repeatedly driving through traffic to the bucket. Downing produced perhaps his most impressive performance to date, exhibiting fierce defensive intensity and wearing a nasty gash on his face to boot (pictured). Whittle tried to match Magic Johnson's talent for assists while simultaneously avoiding his talent for acquiring unpleasant social diseases. And Noutz was at his barn-storming, opponent-stomping best as he absolutely dominated the boards.

The most complete team performance of this season resulted in the first win for the season, 44-32, and put the rest of the competition on notice that the mighty Black Fish are a force to be reckoned with in Winter Season 2007.

Round 2: BF v Endo

There was a palpable sense of anticipation amongst the large courtside contingent as the mighty Black Fish took to a dimly-lit Court 3 for their inaugural clash with traditional rivals Endo.

It soon became apparent that the newest team to ascend to the lofty heights of Marden E-grade would be no easybeats. Indeed, their twin towers dominated the boards against a Fish side that was fielding an uncharacteristically short and mobile team.

In the end, Rodgers (N)'s heroics were not quite enough to prevent a narrow 41-46 loss.

Despite the 0-2 start to the season, die-hard Fish supporters remain confident of a place in this season's finals series. Don't neglect to support the boys and revel in countless unnamed perks by purchasing your membership while stocks last!

Winter Season 2007 - Round 1: BF v Red Dwarfs

After a mixed finals series at the end of Summer Season 2006/07 that saw the Fish triumph in one of their finest ever moments against Carrot and his pathetic bunch of Disgraces, and add to their glassware collection despite a disappointing result that will be mentioned no further, the mighty mighty Black Fish returned for their start of their breakthrough season in a cracking encounter with the Red Dwarfs.

In keeping with this season's trend towards shorter match reports (any volunteer guest reporters are welcome to contact BF management), the match can be summarised thus:

• Darren returns - fans are delighted, opposition are troubled by the disturbing aroma emanating from his index finger.

• Five brave Fish play their hearts out against a powerful opponent.

• Carl makes an early impression on the scoreboard.

• A solid Fish performance is not enough to prevent a 33-48 loss.

Despite the loss, expectation are extremely high for a Black Fish unit brimming with confidence and pride, and anticipating the imminent return of star players Rajapaksa and Vasilunas.

Go you mighty Black Fish.

Winter Season 2007

The Black Fish website is back with all the action in the most highly-anticipated season in Black Fish history.

Stay tuned in coming weeks as the match reports return, we look at Summer Season 06/07 in review, meet this season's new and returning players, and relive the majesty of the 2006 BF Annual Dinner.....

Round 4: BF v The Disgraced

Entering a crucial Round 4 encounter with novel/traditional rivals "The Disgraced" with a win-bye-tie record, the mighty Black Fish were desperate to maintain their unbeaten record for the season.

A cautious Fish team eased out to a gentle start, allowing the scorer to obtain some quality video footage without being otherwise troubled, while also familiarising themselves with their opponents. Only one Disgrace was familiar to the Fish, former Lobetrotter 'Carrot' who fell victim to the Black Fish way back in Round 5, Winter 2006, in a performance characterised by flashy incompetence, unreasonable outbursts, a hefty girth, and a stunning second-half fade-out. In a moment of cosmic symmetry pleasing to all (except the vegetable himself), his performance for the Disgraced was eerily similar.

The capacity crowd is likely to remember little of this peculiar match but the umpiring. Zebra-striped, festering-skin-lesion-afflicted obstructive-sleep-apnoea-boy and his inconsequential side-kick embarrassed themselves with an insipid display of tiggy-touchwood officiating that was sufficiently irritating to require your correspondent to resort to use of the phrase 'tiggy-touchwood' for the very first (and second) time. Most annoying. Even the Dalai Lamaesque, peace-loving BF00 found himself with four fouls at the half-time adjournment.

Having built a one-point half-time lead, the Black Fish again demonstrated their class by systematically deconstructing their opposition in the second half.

Rodgers (N) was a dominant force, jumping to a clear lead in the race for the season's top scorer. He continued to develop his telepathic relationship with his tall-timber partner in crime, Noutz, who not only commanded the boards, but also demonstrated some slick inside passing, adding another string to his rapidly expanding bow. Edwards was a constant offensive threat before a limp and premature exit at the hands of the officials. Nissen and Whittle completed the quality quintet with solid four-quarter performances interspersed with the usual flashes of brilliance.

By the end, it was a procession. A faultless second half saw the Fish win 29-13.

One can feel the excitement building within the Black Fish community in response to a best-ever start to a MARS season by the Fish. Don't miss this week's massive "Battle o' the Seven Seas" grudge match between The Mighty Black Fish and league minnows, King George Whiting.

In the immortal words of Wesley Snipes.....always bet on black.

P.S. Many BF fans have commented on the team's propensity to slow starts and torrential second-half scorefests. A quick statistical analysis of this season's games does not support this impression. While the Fish have scored a mean of 6.3 more points in second halves compared with first halves, this difference is not statistically significant (Wilcoxon p=0.29). The 95% confidence interval for the 2nd half vs 1st half differential is currently -11.1 to 23.8 points. Undoubtedly the statistically-minded amongst you will watch with interest as an increase in the sample over the course of the season narrows this confidence interval.

Winter Season Stats

Despite missing the finals, the Winter 2006 season stats contain some encouraging signs for this young band of brothers:

Win:Loss = 13:10

Total Points For = 739
Total Points Against = 627
Season Percentage = 117.86%

Average Winning Margin = 19.6 points
Average Losing Margin = 14.3 points

Biggest Winning Margin = 41 points (round 17)
Biggest Losing Margin = 44 points (round 21)

Average Score in Wins = 38.5 points
Average Score in Losses = 23.8 points
Highest Score = 61 points (round 15)
Lowest Score = 13 points (round 18)

Longest Winning Streak = 5 games (round 13-17)
Longest Losing Streak = 4 games (round 18-21)

Comments and insights are welcome.

New Features

The Black Fish Blog is bigger and better this season - expect to see more sublimely-crafted and impartial match reports, awe-inspiring highlights reels, stunning action photography, and many more hilarious links (hopefully fewer naked men jumping around holding Suresh signs).

But that's not all...

Several new features will appear this season in order to enhance your enjoyment of the Black Fish experience.

The first such feature, an up-to-the-minute stats sheet featuring every player on the current BF player list has now gone live and may be accessed here or via the links.

Look out for further exciting features in coming weeks.

And don't forget to check out the complete 2006/7 fixtures list.

See you at MARS.

Round 3: BF v Homebrand

Entering Round 3 with a flawless undefeated record, the Black Fish looked full of confidence as they strode onto a typically dimly-lit Court 2 for the vital clash with traditional rivals Homobrand. The humbling experience of Round 19, Winter Season 2006, was but a distant memory as the Fish welcomed back club stalwarts Nissen and Downing for their first game of the season, relegating an unlucky Ang to an early Ben Hart-style retirement.

Despite the eerily-loud cheers from the massive courtside contingent of one (Ly), and the uncommon luxury of a substitute, the Fish eased themselves out to a slow and imprecise start. The usual laser-guided precision passing was strangely absent, allowing the lumbering Homobrands to steal an early lead. The fearful gasps from the cheersquad at the prospect of another humiliation at the hands of Homobrand would have been deafening had the crowd been several thousand times larger.

The fine men of the Black Fish, however, are so in tune with their supporters' emotions that even the relatively inaudible groans of disappointment cut deeply into their large (and for some, transiently segmentally-dyskinetic) hearts. Was there any doubt that the lads would respond? No, sir. And so, with a novel combination of dash, pluck, ill-conceived passes, strong rebounding, awkward fouls and a sprinkle of that old Black Fish magic, our boys closed to within a point at the half.

Few who had witnessed the first half would have expected the second half to be pretty. And it wasn't.

But it was tense, sweaty, hard fought, and - in the end - one of the most exciting matches of he season. On several occasions during the half it appeared that the Fish may have been swept aside, and indeed a lesser side may have capitulated, but they kept hanging on, confident in their freakish ball-handling skills.

As expected, all six Fish played well: Nissen channeled the emotion of a tumultuous day into a fearsome defensive intensity, Noutz controlled the defensive boards and entertained the crowd with a trick shot off the backboard supports, Whittle ran up and down doing the same old thing he usually does, Rodgers played a typically strong game in the key at both ends of the court, scoring in excess of half of the team's final score, relative newcomer Downing patrolled the mid-court to an extent rarely seen at this level, and it was again Edwards who led from the front with a strong display of piercing drives and sweet outside shooting.

In the frenetic final few minutes of the match both sides missed golden opportunities to score the winning points, but in the dying seconds a dubious foul allowed the Homobrands a chance to break the deadlock with a pair of free-throws ater the full-time siren. Unable to muster a Hoosiers-style fairytale shot, the Homobrand in question Motlopped both shots. The final result? A heart-stopping 21-21 draw.

While a disappointing result for the Fish, they remain undefeated this season and look forward with growing confidence to the Round 4 clash with traditional rivals (and league newcomers) The Disgraced.

Round 2: BYE

The Black Fish engaged in a marathon 12 hour training session in lieu of the Round 2 match.*


*may not be accurate

Round 1: BF v Air Supreme

Summer season 2006/7 kicked off in grand style with the much-anticipated grudge match between mortal enemies The Black Fish and Air 'Supreme'.

Most basketball aficionados already recognise that Air Supreme are a pack of indescribable wankers, but if there were any doubters out there, this game served to prove the point entirely. Still suffering at the hands of injury, the Black Fish recruited Western Australian surprise packet Eugene Ang for his first game in the hallowed black strip. The Black Fish found it difficult to develop their rhythm early in the game and to the surprise of the large courtside contingent the Supremes shot out to an early lead.

The bizarre pack of simian halflings that comprised the hilariously large support group for Air Supreme again demonstrated their true class and sportsmanship by cheering loudly for any Black Fish mistake (rare as they might be). Thanks largely to their sad efforts the Fish redoubled their efforts and recovered the lead as the first half drew to a close; simultaneously, tensions began to rise in the steamy atmosphere of court three, culminating in one of the more gutless efforts ever seen at MARS Stadium. Michael Chang, in his brief on-court appearance, took out all the years of frustration at having diminutive genitalia on an unsuspecting BF00, slugging him in the proboscis with a back fist behind play. The half-witted referee then performed the archetype of panicky umpiring in calling a technical foul on BF00 for no apparent reason at all. Little man Chang then took himself and his little beard to the bench where he hid for the remainder of the game.

As you all know by now, this is when the Black Fish are at their very best. The second half was simply a rout as an organised and methodical Black Fish outfit destroyed their hapless rivals. From early in the first half it was clear to all those present that the Fish were going to romp away with a large victory. It was at this stage that the Black Fish players were able to entertain themselves by torturing the fragile psyches of their little opponents. Several psychotic episodes ensued despite a surprising lack of toe-treading and other behaviours recognised throughout the league as invariably inducing crazed behaviour in anyone wearing an Air Supreme uniform.

In the end it was an easy 41-27 victory to the mighty mighty Black Fish. All five Fish were outstanding, including first-gamer Ang who proved that Western Australians have skills other than running from RBTs. The Air Supreme support group, strangely quiet in the second half as their little men were humiliated, trudged off into the cool Marden night, back to their pathetic little lives.

For the Black Fish it was a magnificent start to their summer season campaign and the first step on the path to finals glory.

Fixtures 2006/7

Round 1 (21/9/06) BF v Air Supreme 6:00pm
Round 2 (28/9/06) BYE
Round 3 (5/10/06) BF v Homebrand 9:45pm
Round 4 (12/10/06) BF v The Disgraced 9:00pm
Round 5 (19/10/06) BF v King George Whiting 10:30pm
Round 6 (26/10/06) BF v Red Dwarfs 8:15pm
Round 7 (2/11/06) BF v Aussie Bruddhas 7:30pm
Round 8 (9/11/06) BF v Spectrum 8:15pm
Round 9 (16/11/06) BF v Metal Slug 7:30pm
Round 10 (23/11/06) BF v Air Supreme 10:30pm
Round 11 (30/11/06) BYE
Round 12 (7/12/06) BF v Homebrand 10:30pm
Round 13 (14/12/06) BF v The Disgraced 7:30pm
Round 14 (4/01/07) BF v King George Whiting 9:00pm
Round 15 (11/01/07) BF v Red Dwarfs 9:45pm
Round 16 (18/01/07) BF v Aussie Bruddhas 6:00pm
Round 17 (25/01/07) BF v Spectrum 9:00pm
Round 18 (1/02/07) BF v Metal Slug 9:00pm
Round 19 (8/02/07) BF v Air Supreme 6:45pm
Round 20 (15/02/07) BYE
Round 21 (22/02/07) BF v Homebrand 6:45pm
Round 22 (1/03/07) BF v The Disgraced 9:00pm
Round 23 (8/03/07) BF v King George Whiting 6:00pm
Round 24 (15/03/07) BF v Red Dwarfs 9:45pm
Semi-Finals 22/3/07
Grand Final 29/3/07

Summer Season 2006/7

Welcome all to the new season. The Black Fish are back and they're hungry for glory after narrowly missing the finals last season. Log on this season for even more incisive match reports, multimedia highlights, injury reports, and a few new features.....

Round 25

With no mathematical chance of playing in the finals the Black Fish entered the final minor round game against league heavyweights, The Fakers, with only pride at stake. And that is when the Fish are at their best.

Words are insufficient to describe the skill and courage displayed by this magnificent team in every breathtaking moment of this clash. And so there will be no description of the match.

Also, it was about six weeks ago so I've forgotten most of what happened.

But those who were there witnessed a display of steely defensive intensity, creative offensive opportunism, and uncommon passing precision that left the eventual league premiers utterly destroyed.

History records a magnificent 26-21 victory. Truly a fine end to our stunning comeback season.

Admittedly, an even better end would have been to have qualified for the finals, but that is perhaps to miss the point - the point, my friends, is that the Black Fish are back, and they're here to stay. And with just the right degree of haughty pride, the fine men of the Black Fish chose not to contest the repercharge finals, leaving the small-penis brigade and future 'fifteen' chefs to scrabble amongst themselves for the minor honours.

For the Fish are already looking ahead to the summer season, in what promises to be a breakthrough period for this club. Dear supporters, look forward to a season of great victories, awe-inspiring highlights, and the return of some club stalwarts - all to be recorded on the ever-expanding website.

And so concludes Winter Season 2006. If we have learned but one thing this season, it is that vir non camelus est.

Round 24

With a mathematical chance of making the finals still alive, the Fish reacted to their recent run of injuries by manufacturing a stunning recruiting coup. To the disbelief of many in the media, this humble (but mighty) basketball club managed to recruit Crows champions Mark Ricciuto, Ben Hart and Trent Hentschel for their critical Round 24 clash with the Aussie Bruddhas.

And so it was that the Fish fielded four players for the match.

Whittle, Edwards, a serene 'Garden of Eden' Noutz (finally rid of that pesky Adam), and star recruit Randall "Ernieand" Birt strode confidently onto court 2 despite their numerical disadvantage. The Bruddhas, of course, continued to grapple with their numeracy disadvantage, amongst other evident handicaps.

But of all the dud cards dealt to the Bruddhas by their maker (and indeed several of their boys have the Royal Flush), lack of enthusiasm is not amongst them. And so it was that the game began at a typically frenetic pace (with typically few successful scoring shots from either side). Deep into the first half the scores were level and a few beads of sweat were beginning to appear on the furrowed brows of a brave but outnumbered Fish outfit.

When the Noutz juggernaut came crashing to a halt courtesy of a sickening finger injury (described by John Reid as 'more like a car accident injury than an E-grade basketball injury'), things began to look grim, but those of you with enough idle time on your hands to have read all 23 of the previous (and increasingly long-winded and subordinate clause-laden) match reports do not need me to remind them that that this is exactly when the Black Fish dig deep.

And so they did.

It was all quality in the second half from all four players as the Fish inexorably drew away from their cytogenetically-challenged rivals. By the end, it was simply showtime. Whittle failed to complete multiple behind-the-back passes as he and Edwards competed for the Black Fish match assists record. Birt went one better by interrupting several plays for a quick spew before rushing back on the court to make the shot, drool and carrots trailing in his wake.

In the end, it was an embarrassment-avoiding 34-16 victory for the Fish. Job done.

And now for the final match of the minor round. The biggest game of the year. The final showdown with the Fakers. Destiny awaits.

Do not miss it.

Round 23

After his goodwill tour of Europe and Asia, BF00 returned to find his beloved Black Fish in disarray - reeling from a couple of thumping defeats, ravaged by injury, and facing the prospect of missing the finals. Wishing briefly that he could face such adversity with the same stoic indifference as Neil Craig, BF00 strode onto the dimly-lit court three with only one thought in mind: try to start a fight with those Air Supremes.

And so began the most awaited Marden Round 23 Court 3 grudge match in living memory. Buoyed by a massive crowd of Ly, Billing and Caroline (in her much lamented swansong), six Fish were available for the first time in months.

Any expectations of a toe-stepping, oversized-singlet-grabbing, brain-explosion-inducing niggle-fest evaporated in a tense first five minutes of tight, quality basketball. As the Fish found it increasingly difficult to penetrate the offensive key, the possibility of a boilover began to hang heavily over the Black Fish bench.

(Warning: ridiculous metaphors ahead)

But, as any Black Fish afficionado would know (and I know you're out there), such situations are the fertile soil from which Black Fish spirit sprouts so magnificently, like sturdy vines from Alex's beloved terra rossa, ready to bombard the opposition with quality long bombs like so many glorious cabernet grapes. And from that point on the hapless Supremes were no more than pathetically ineffective phylloxera species perishing in the face of the pesticide that is the Fish's impenetrable zone defence and sharp-passing offence.

It was textbook Black Fish match strategy: Solid inside work from Rodgers and Vasilunas, slightly crazed full-court intensity from Noutz, slick passing and annoyingly effective defence from Nissen, graceful offensive manoevering from Edwards, and destructive long-bombing from 'Hamas' Whittle.

The Supremes, as is their way, reacted to their imminent humiliating defeat by resorting to ill-considered and unimpressive acts of violence. Michael Chang, one of The Supremes' fabled insane duo, was particularly noisome. Regretfully the collision which resulted in an injust double technical foul resulted in no visible injury to the little pest. Many in the crowd will look forward to a re-match next season.

In the end, it was a moral victory for the Fish as they cantered to a 43-28 thumping of their little foes.

And in summary:

1. BF still in the hunt for the finals.

2. Air Supreme take it up the arse, doo-dah.

Round 22

Black Fish defeated DA Boyz 25-16.

Round 21

Black Fish defeated by East All-Stars 26-70.

Round 20

Black Fish defeated by Spectrum 18-31.

Round 19 Highlights

Black Fish Go Global

BF00 leaves on a goodwill tour of Europe and Asia this week, aiming to spread the Black Fish message to a wider audience.

So look forward to a variety of guest correspondents over the next three rounds, and maybe some notes from the road.

After all, the whole world knows that vir non camelus est.

Round 19

There have been few games more important in the history of this magnificent club than the return stoush with traditional rivals (and BF bunnies) Homobrand.

The importance of the game is illustrated by the overdue return from the twos of starting centre Rodgers (N), and by the capacity crowd packing the creaking grandstands of Court 3, including newly-recruited scorer Rodgers (S) (pictured below), who is certain to be drafted by the Fish under the Father-Son rule in a few short years.



And Edwards, to the clear detriment of colons throughout our delightful southern suburbs, forsook his ailing clients to drive (no doubt erratically) at breakneck speed back to the safer streets north of the city in order to make it on court mid-way through the first half. Six Black Fish, for the first time in months.

And then, to top it all off, in strides the heroically injured favourite son Rodgers (A), in his first appearance courtside since the unforeseen Achilles-like season-ending injury of Round 9. Fortunately, unlike Achilles, Rodgers (A) has not spent his recovery time engaging in homo-erotic 'physiotherapy' with his attractive male cousin (as far as can be established).

So, to the game...

Terrified by the prospect of another loss to the might of the Black Fish, Homobrand finally eased their trembling limbs onto the court at about the five minute mark of the first half. As expected, the first stanza was a closely-fought affair. Inspired by the rare conjunction of three Rodgerses and the loud cries of "Go Goldfish" from the scorers' bench, the Fish held their own valiantly against a quality Homobrand line-up.

The second half, unfortunately, was a disappointment for the legion of Fish fans. Although they fought strongly to the end, the Black Fish were unable to maintain the full-court intensity required to hurt the minor premiership contenders. An outstanding game by Vasilunas, who dominates this week's highlights reel, was not enough to prevent a 28-43 loss.

With only six weeks to go until the finals, each game is now crucial in the race to make the top four. Faced with a crunch match in Round 20 against Spectrum, the Fish will turn to their secret weapon - Downing (K) - in a stunning selection ploy. This game is not to be missed, as it is certain to be a modern classic.

Round 18

Round 18 saw a depleted Fish line-up tackle perennial nemeses The Fakers on Court 2. Brimming with confidence after stringing together five consecutive wins for the first time this season, the mighty Black Fish were confident of an upset victory as the testosterone-riddled quintet of Whittle, Edwards, Nissen, Noutz and Vasilunas strode ferociously onto the pine.

The match started at a hectic pace as the defensive intensity of both sides ensured that this would be an epic arm-wrestle. The Fish maintained a fierce focus but struggled to cope effectively with The Fakers' cunning numerical mismatch strategy, particularly at the offensive end. It is perhaps a testament to the character inherent in this club that the boys dug deep to avoid the humiliation of a first-ever scoreless half, eventually securing their solitary bucket with fewer than 90 seconds on the clock.


Half-time was an opportunity to regroup. One could sense that all five players (and the magnificently ubiquitous Hoang and Caroline) were thinking to themselves 'what would Neil Craig do?'. And sure enough, the second half was all about process. The boys began to take care of the little things, and the big things - inevitably - took care of themselves.

By the ten-minute mark of the second half, the game was on the line. The Fish were back. The Fakers were rattled. The fans were delirious. The referees were shithouse.

A panicky time-out by the Fakers saw them to revert to their peculiar 4-on-5 formation in an attempt to negate the irresistible scoring potential of the glorious Black Fish. Eventually, however, The Fakers' negative brand of tempo basketball may have driven away the fans, but saw them secure a tight 13-20 victory over the Fish.

Basketball pundits cannot fail to be impressed by the character shown by the Fish in the second half, out-scoring their more fancied opponents despite the blatant negating tactics. One may rest assured that a potential finals clash between these two sides would be welcomed by an ever-improving Black Fish side that might just fancy its chances in a re-match.

But for now, the business of qualifying for the finals is becoming very serious indeed. Five evenly-matched teams are battling it out for the top four in what promises to be an epic conclusion to the minor round. Don't miss it!

Round 18 Highlights

The Round 18 report is still being crafted. In the meantime, watch the highlights.....

Round 17

The late night Court 3 supermatch between the Mighty Black Fish and the Less-than-mighty Aussie Bruddhas attracted spectators from as far afield as France. Understandably, the entire population of France has recently switched their attention from the curious head-butting underperformance of Les Bleus to the far more skillful game of basketball, Marden-style.

And in a performance which sent shivers down the spine of the Australian spectators, the MARS referees managed to surpass Graham Poll in the atrocity of their performance. Unlike the Englishman, who retained the last fragments of his credibility by retiring immediately, the MARS crew remain to referee another day.

Unfortunately for Les Fleurys, the game was far from spectacular. Faced with an opposition replete with a cast of genetically-disadvantaged, Dora Maar-faced, dermatologically-nauseating, cortex-deficient freaks reminiscent of a Victorian-era travelling show, the Fish were - in a sense - in a no-win situation. In another, more accurate sense, the Fish were in a win situation.

And win they did. After a slow start, in which they were lulled into a false sense of absolute dominance, the Whittle-Edwards-Vasilunas-Nissen-Noutz highlight reel began. All five Fish produced a complete performance in both offense and defence, and all contributed on the scoreboard. Nissen, in particular, impressed the in-laws with some sweet Magic Johnson-style assists, with none of the rather less pleasant Magic Johnson-style CD4 deficiency.

Cruelly abandoned by their wives, the Black Fish scoring bench was again salvaged in fine style by the spectacularly committed Caroline, whose unflagging cheerleading will no doubt soon see her in the BF Cheer Squad Hall of Fame, if not actually taking to the court.

By late in the second half the game had degenerated from a circus freak show to simply a circus. In a measure of the complete dominance of the Fish, the referees simply gave up. Fortunately BF11, the imposing Noutz (C), adapted to the spirit of on-court anarchy in true BF style, crashing through a Bruddha less than half his size in a near lethal full-body collision. Sadly for all present, the clash resulted in no serious injuries.

In a percentage-boosting performance, the Black Fish eventually ran out winners 51-10, extending the winning streak to five games. The video highlights are so pathetically one-sided that none will be shown for this round.

Having successfully negotiated a potential danger game, this proud club turns its attention to a pivotal encounter with league leaders, perpetual nemeses, and traditional rivals the Fakers.

Round 16 Highlights

Round 16

Rumours began to fly around the MARS community as the Mighty Black Fish took to the pine for their crucial Round 16 clash with traditional rivals Air 'Supreme'. There had been weeks of speculation regarding the playing future of out-of-contract superstar 'Walls' Downing as it became increasingly apparent that he was eyeing a return to active competition. Many insiders were aware that he was close to some members of the Fish playing group but few would have guessed that he was on the verge of signing with the injury-ravaged league pacesetters until he strode into MARS stadium and took his place alongside the Black Fish cheersquad. Unfortunately for his legion of devoted supporters he did not don the playing togs on this occasion, choosing to provide his distinctive brand of vocal support, but one must surely anticipate his imminent appearance in the Black Fish side.

Buoyed, but not distracted, by the commotion courtside, this week's Five Fit Fish - Whittle, Edwards, Nissen, Noutz and Rodgers (N) - leapt out of the blocks against their jewellery-clad foes. Few could forget the spiteful nature of the previous clash between these two sides, but who could have predicted the fiery encounter which developed in the late-night cold of Court 1?

The result was never in doubt. Well-drilled, committed, sublimely skilled and devastatingly handsome, the Fish asserted their dominance on the scoreboard from the outset. The defensive effort in particular was a highlight, squeezing the life from the little 'Supremes'.

And then the game exploded into life.

Big Carl Noutz, in characteristic fashion, put his body on the line in a contest for a loose ball with 1989 French Open tennis champion Michael Chang, who surprised many by wearing his tennis outfit throughout the game. There was little surprise (but several chuckles) when Chang's semi-conscious body flew across the court, limbs comically flailing, as Noutz stood still as a statue. But there was plenty of surprise when Chang, no doubt filled with rage at his disappointing and under-achieving career after winning the French Open at the age of 17, leapt to his feet and began ranting maniacally about several improbable outcomes, including taking a swing at the amused Noutz, whose scone he would have required a step-ladder (and a boost from his buddies) in order to reach with one of his diminutive fists.

A technical foul and plenty of laughs followed, while Chang retreated to the bench, rummaging desperately in his bag for a racquet to smash. Many of those present thought that the violence was over. But 'Supreme's' resident DSM manual, 'Legs' 11, had other ideas...

Early in the second half, the quality niggling of Rodgers (N) finally broke his fragile psyche. Words really cannot capture what ensued over the next few minutes. Even a request from your correspondent for a brief first-hand description of events from those at the stadium elicited only one response, from the curiously absent 'Clark Kent' Edwards. It is probably fair to say that the entire history of the human race has never before seen such a response to having one's foot accidentally stepped upon.

One tends to recall brief snapshots of the event, filtered as it was through a strong sense of disbelief, and partially obscured by tears of laughter. It is rare that any of us has the opportunity to witness the complete and sudden decomposition of a man's psychological health - in many ways, we were privileged to be present, for this was an experience the likes of which one relates to one's grandchildren.

In the end, a good 10 minutes of game time was stolen from the Fish, but it was worth it. Much like living through a cyclone, players from both sides could do nothing but watch with a mixture of horror and fascination, and wait for it to be over before assessing the damage. After numerous technical fouls, an ejection from the game, several direct threats to the health and wellbeing of the referee, some comic waving of stick-thin limbs in a poor imitation of physical intimidation, and a retraction of the rejection by a tired referee who could feel the hot breath of Sudden Cardiac Death on the back of his neck, it was over.

And, professional to the last, the Black Fish continued to dominate their pathetic opposition until the final siren, recording a 38-18 rout of the 'Supremes'.

If only there were video of the meltdown suffered by 'Legs'. Alas, there is not. But there is a montage of some of the sweet plays by the Fish, which you will have the good fortune to view later this week.

As the Black Fish juggernaut continues, attention turns to the pivotal clash with league heavyweights, the Aussie Bruddhas, in Round 17.

Round 15 Highlights

Round 15

There are few greater rivalries in sport than that between the Black Fish and the tragic detritus of post-modern suburbia that is the DA Boyz. So oppressive was the pre-game tension that the innumerate gaggle of dyskinetic limbs that represented the Boyz could barely bring itself to walk onto the pine until some five minutes of the first half had elapsed. And who could blame them? Five demi-urgic pillars of rippling black-clad masculinity stood at the centre circle, emanating atavistic menace. If it weren't for the Bronx cheers of the capacity crowd, they would surely have scurried from the stadium.

And so it was that the Five Fit Fish - Whittle, Edwards, Noutz, Rodgers and Vasilunas - began their destruction of the hapless Boyz. From the moment the thunderous tap from Rodgers sizzled to the sure hands of a team-mate for a quality fast break, the fate of the Boyz was sealed.

Mere words do no justice to the nature of the merciless annihilation wrought by the Mighty Black Fish. Flawless in every aspect of the game, it was as though the very nature of this beautiful game was wrapped around the DNA of each member of the Fish, a metaphysical connection linking these five fine men and Sport itself. Fortunately words are not required on this occasion. Super-wife Ly captured the essence of the contest on low-quality digital video, a montage of which will be published on this very site within the next few days. Suffice to say, there are a few easy lay-ups on the video.

And what of the five greats who fashioned this mighty victory?

Vasilunas: All spirit, he never stopped running despite having to use a boggy cytokine-ridden mess in place of his ankle.

Rodgers: Was not beaten for a single rebound all night. As always, the rock upon which the Black Fish temple is built.

Noutz: Dynamic, aggressive, possibly a little frightening, he again demonstrated his mastery of the fine line between vigorous basketball and actually killing a couple of little blokes. Again contributed on the scoreboard. Left one or two fingers in the net at the Eastern end.

Edwards: The vital link player in the many end-to-end transition plays that characterised the victory. Continues to tap a rich vein of form at the low post. Avoided any chance of Bronx cheers.

Whittle: Shamelessly helped himself to a lazy 35 points.

And so, at the end of a breathtaking all-court display, the scoreboard declared the Fish winners 61-26.

On a confidence-building three-game streak, the Black Fish now turn their attention to a Round 16 clash with traditional rivals Air Supreme as they focus on consolidating a top-four position, and adding a few more plays to the ever-expanding highlight reel.

Stay tuned as we launch the first of our Warner Wolf-style video packages later this week.

Updated Fixture List

June 29: Black Fish v Air Supreme 10:30pm*

July 6: Black Fish v Aussie Bruddhas 10:30pm*

July 13: Black Fish v The Fakers 9:00pm*

July 20: Black Fish v Homebrand 6:00pm*

July 27: Black Fish v Spectrum 9:00pm*

August 3: Black Fish v East All-Stars 9:00pm*

August 10: Black Fish v DA Boyz 7:30pm*

August 17: Black Fish v Air Supreme 7:30pm*

August 24: Black Fish v Aussie Bruddhas 9:45pm*

August 31: Black Fish v The Fakers 9:00pm*


September 7: Semi-Final

September 14: Grand Final


* denotes Rivalry Round

News Flash

Players and fans are advised that the bye scheduled for June 22 has been replaced with an 8:15pm game against league newcomers (and traditional rivals) the 'DA Boyz' (seriously), a team described by MARS Stadium management as 'very much an E-grade side'.

Don't miss it.

Round 14

It was deep into Winter season 2006 and the Fish had their backs to the wall. Sitting uncomfortably outside the top four, ravaged by soft-tissue injury, and facing the prospect of a first-ever clash with traditional rivals Homebrand, a side holding down a solid second spot and in possession of a towering percentage. Lesser teams may have folded.

But not the Black Fish.

Seven fine men strode onto hoodoo Court 3 in trying sub-zero conditions. One fine man (your Round 13 correspondent) kept on striding, taking his 'bag-o-chips' thorax all the way to the scorers' bench.

The Fish signalled their intent from the outset. Weeks, R, in his highly-anticipated return from McLeodesque injury, brought a noticeable zip to the backcourt and was a constant offensive threat with his trick-bag of novelty shots from downtown.

In perhaps the most complete display by the Fish in 2006, each man played his role to perfection. Weeks and Whittle controlled the perimeter, Rodgers dominated the boards at both ends, Vasilunas provided constant offensive potency (and is the clear leader in one-percenters), Noutz (looking resplendent) scared the living Bejesus out of any opponent in his trajectory, and Nissen overcame a debilitating thoracic injury to make a solid contribution without resorting to having a Nancy-boy first-aid kit on the bench.

In an almost flawless display, the Black Fish dominated the first half. The slick passes, hard-running, and commitment to team-mates provided constant joy and inspiration to the solid crowd of Ly and Edwards, S. By the long break the Fish had established a handy 8 point lead, but knew that their highly-fancied opposition would fight back in the second half.


Much has been written about the Black Fish spirit. Intangible, but undoubtedly real, it exists at the core of this great club. Those of you fortunate enough to have met one or more of the players will need no explanation; one can feel it in the depths of one's humanity. Faced with a half-time option of taking a 10-point no-scorer penalty, and in the midst of the most pivotal game of the season, the Fish, as I know you all would have expected, turned down the offer and chose to face their destiny unaided. As true men.


When Homobrand closed the gap to 2 points within minutes of the start of the second half, one could be excused for pondering the wisdom of such a decision. But this is no ordinary team. In a game of a standard described as 'much better than E-grade' by the referees in a seemingly private half-time discussion, the Black Fish knew they had to lift.



And lift they did. In a stunning burst of sustained skill and intensity, the Fish broke open the game late in the second half. Sharp passes, strong work at the post, dominance in the air, a paucity of unforced errors, flawless foul-shooting, spectacular fast-breaks (and one audacious sky-hook) left their opponents gasping.

That's Black Fish spirit.

With minutes remaining and a tenacious Homobrand using their trusted 'ineffective drive into the key' play at every opportunity, a lesser team may have opted for a time-out. But not the Black Fish. Even the plaintive cries of 'Tempo Basketball' from Neil Edwards on the sideline were ignored as the Fish pressed on towards victory.

In the end, the scoreboard declared a stunning upset victory for the Black Fish 36-33. The Fish now go into the mid-season break brimming with confidence and with a strong chance of breaking back into the top four.

A massive crowd is sure to be present for the late game against traditional rivals Spectrum in two weeks.

Sweet Victory

(The complete photo set may be found here)